Christian Allen's Corner

Dear Indie Film Directors:

1. Just because she is hot, doesn't mean she can act. I don't watch your low budget films for hot chicks, Hollywood and porn has that covered. Find actresses, not hotties you want to have sex with. When your movie is staffed with a bunch of competent male actors, the two stupid bimbos with big tits who can't get across one line without sounding like morons really detracts from the suspension of disbelief.

2. Handicam documentary style is hip, I get that. But shaking the fucking camera all over the place just makes me sick. It doesn't make me think that you are groundbreaking. I REALLY want to enjoy your movie, but I can't if I am puking all over myself because of motion sickness. There is a reason us game designers gave up on the "bouncing camera" effect: IT MAKES PEOPLE FUCKING PUKE.

3. Fake guns look fake. If you need help, just fucking email me. Lost couldn't get away with it, Terra Nova couldn't get away with it, Walking Dead couldn't get away with it, and no matter what, YOU can't get away with it. It's not that goddamn hard to get it right. They make good firing blank guns, or you can use gas-powered airsoft guns with digital flash and brass effects. How fucking hard is it?

A call to end slidelock syndrome..

Watching Inception this weekend, an all too common occurrence in movies took me out of what was otherwise an awesome experience.

Now, movie armorers, I understand your dilemma.  The director calls for a complicated gunfight scene.  Maybe the actor is in a moving vehicle, or many actors are in the same shot.  You only need the actor to fire one or two rounds to complete the scene.  Obviously, you only want to give the actors the exact number of rounds they need, even if they are blanks.  Safety is paramount.

But nothing kills a cool gunfight scene for me in a movie then when a quick cut shows an actor seemingly blowing off rounds as fast as he can, only to notice that after one or more shots the slide to his pistol is actually locked to the rear.

It's not like you have to specially modify the gun to keep it from locking to the rear, in most cases, all you need to do is take a dremel tool to the magazine follower.  It's not really that hard!  Hollywood, if you need my help, just give me a call.  I'll only charge a few hundered k to consult.